Okay, I get it. Kurt Cobain was a great rocker. And he has been gone for 10 years this week. Big fucking deal. I liked Nirvana in high school, thought they were not bad. I even have grown to appreciate them in the past few years. But I don’t get the uproar over his suicide. Maybe its because I view suicide as the chump’s way out sometimes. I know that’s not necessarily true. I am sure the guy had his demons. Whatever. What pisses me off is that no one, at least in their 20s, seems to care that this week also commemorates 10 years since the genocide in Rwanda. What a horrible thing. Read about poor General Dallaire, the man who was forced to witness the entire thing.

The bodies were everywhere, strewn in fields and latrines and stacked in neat rows next to the road as if someone were keeping score. Countless times, Dallaire had to get out of his four-by-four and move remains from the middle of the road to avoid driving over them. Denied authority by the United Nations to intervene, Dallaire tried to broker a cease-fire, protect the innocent, prick the world’s conscience through the media. But his real mission, it came to pass, was personally far more devastating — to be a witness.

I just think its important that people remember what happened, so we cannot let it happen again. That’s a lot of people to die in 100 days. Too many people. And for no reason other than some man’s grand plan. The genocide was not inevitable. We could have stopped it, but no one did anything. Except General Dallaire. And he could do almost nothing. The world can be such a horrible place. I know people, especially American’s, tend to ignore happenings in other parts of the world. But we should pay attention lest it happen here one day.

Sorry to do this to you, my gentle hearted reader, but I must speak out now. Everyone read Maureen Dowd’s editorial in the NYT today. Its a funny satire of what is going on with the 9/11 panel and the White House’s willingness to discuss the truth. I realize that the office of the president is something almost sacred in this country. I remember discussing this with my father once during the Bill Clinton years. He was no fan of Clinton and though not very conservative, he considers himself a Republican. But he thought attacking the president was wrong. Clinton may have been an cheater, but for my father, it was not the man, but the office he wanted to see protected. And I have thought about that a lot this week. I understand what he means. But I totally disagree. I think the president should be accountable for his actions. How dare Bush hide behind executive privilege. And Cheney too (does anyone else think he is just evil?) That man is accountable to me and everyone else. He should not forget that he works for us. He is too busy worrying about getting re-elected to tell us the truth. Just come clean for fucks sake. Maybe I would actually respect you a little then. Right now, I just think you are a horrible man. You put your own interests ahead of our country’s. And you expect me to pick up the bill. Giving breaks to all the rich, while the poor keep on getting poorer. Making our environmental policy a total joke. Creating your ‘Leave no Child’ behind policy and then cutting education funding. That’s just great. God, I can’t wait for the day when you are no longer our president. God help us if that day is longer than 9 months away. I can’t go on. He makes me so mad. I just want to kick something.

Well, things are looking a little more optimistic in the whole get-Bush-the-fuck-out-of-office plan. The house of cards they built is blowing away, the crappy house they built on the sand foundation is crumbling and all those other metaphors. The 9/11 panel is revealing that the Bush admin was too lax and not ready at all for a terrorist attack, even though they had some warning (fucking dumbasses). I would insert some links, but all you have to do is check any major newspaper. Oh alright, here you go: check here and here and here. And at the same time, the Medicare Board of Trustees has announce that Medicare will be bankrupt ahead of schedule, partly due to the new prescription drug bill that Bush pushed through Congress recently. Great. If I didn’t live in this country and fear what the future held for me here, I might laugh. I am glad that the Bush posse is finally be recognized for what it is, but its a bit late isn’t it? I am tired of reading the paper everyday and wondering what new crappiness the current administration has created for me today. Did they vote on damaging the enviroment again? Or was it more cuts in education? What will happen now I don’t know. Will people finally be outraged? Outraged enough to go express their righteous indignation that the Bush posse thinks the American people are a bunch of chumps and will sit back while they destroy the future of the traditional American family (that’s one man and one women according to them), the traditional American family that they are fighting so hard to preserve by not allowing any new definition of family to come into play, the traditional family that they want to desecrate the Constitution in order to protect. Well, wait, we have sat back and taken it for a while. But I hope that all these things that are being made more publicly aware this week will make people think long and hard about what kind of leadership this country needs right now. And maybe this November a record amount of people will show up at the polls to exercise their democratic rights and Bush gets sent packing. I really hope this happens. I really do.

I enjoy my job, I really do. I am one of the few people I know who can say that. I work with great people, tons of books, make my own hours, etc. So why do I just want to go home today? Not to get all philosophical, but I do a fair amount of reading on current events. And its all depressing! It just makes me want to scream. I finished an article by Francine Prose today in last month’s Harper’s on how reality television is altering the consciousness of Americans. They lie and cheat and we get desensitized to that. So when our politicians do the same, we are not that outraged or at least that’s the simple version of her argument I think. Its just so maddening because it could be true. I don’t want to become some political blogger. In fact I refuse. You may have to hear me vent from time to time though. I used to believe that I was lucky to be an American—I know I know, its too optimistic for a pessimist like me. But its true. We have a lot of privileges here. Again in Harper’s Readings section of the March issue, they ran some interviews with Iranian brothel workers conducted by Roya Karimi-Majd for Zanan, a woman’s magazine published in Tehran. The stories the women told are truly horrifying. Beaten almost to death by her brother for wearing a colorful coat, one woman fled her home. And she had nowhere to go. She tried to sleep in the bus terminal, but the religious (!) police rounded them up and she was not only fined 30,000 toman but also sentenced to 80 lashes. And then her brother caught up with her again. This time he took her to the woods to hang her. And so, at 15, life made her turn to selling herself. The stories don’t get any better. So, yeah, I am glad to live here. I don’t fear religious police or family members beating me for sleeping with my boyfriend. I can say what I want, do a lot of things I want, etc. But they are slowly chipping away at these things. How long before I can say almost anything I want? That’s a big deal. And they (and by they I mean Bush and his admin., not some sort of conspiratorial they) keep changing things on the down-low so that we do not even notice. Its shameful. It really is. I don’t know what they are trying to protect anymore. Its all in the name of preserving our way of life, but that way of life is changing so much that its getting unrecognizable. Okay, I can’t talk about this anymore. I am getting too angry and am having problems typing now.

I promised that I would review all books that I have read here. But I have read two books and not done that at all! And I said that I was redesigning the site and nothing has changed! Well, I am going to fix that. I will at least briefly write something about the two books I read last week. My goal is to read somewhere around 70 to 100 books. I can do it. I swear I will be better. I pinky swear!

Monday arrives again. Yay. It was a productive weekend for me in many regards—washed the car, hung some pictures that have been sitting around for months, walked around for a while on Sunday afternoon. I even saw a movie yesterday, Master and Commander, which I enjoyed. Not a deep movie, but extremely well done. You really get involved in the storyline. Get those French bastards! Heh (you know I am kidding, right?). I know they changed the plot from the original O’Brian novels. I have heard all the arguments from book purists, as if they are still constantly surprised that Hollywood would dare change the plot of a book for the movie. Come on people, its Hollywood! Give me a fucking break. I would not even be surprised if they made a movie of Anne Frank’s diaries where she survives the war and even gets revenge on Nazis. Hollywood exists to entertain first and foremost. That is not to say that some movies have a larger purpose. I didn’t realize the extreme effects of drugs and alcohol until I saw Dude, Where’s My Car. But remember that it was movies with Shirley Temple and the like during the depression that helped alleviate a little the burdens of life. That’s powerful and not a bad thing either. Back to the subject at hand, I liked Master and Commander. For two hours on Sunday, I forgot that I had to come back to work on Monday and I had to remember to do my taxes (which is a whole other post) and pay the bills. Instead, I watched some rather attractive men run around on a ship and bond (not in a dirty way dammit) for a while. Good times.

When I started this thing, I thought that I would never post anything about my personal life. I’ll tell when I go on vacation and anecdotes from my day, but avoid discussing what happens inside my head too much. Who knows who might read this, though I do choose to put all of what I post in the public forum. But now I am going to violate that. I just read something and was really bothered by it. Maybe its the hormones or something, but when I hear someone I care ahout talk about how hollow he feels inside, I can’t help but feel a little weird. Every day life is a struggle for most people. Its hard to get up each day and do the things you have to do, even though you’ve done them a million times and you will keep doing these things a million times more. But we do them. At least I do. I feel hollow and displaced a lot of the time. And I think a lot of people do. How connected are we to the world we live? I am not going to rant about how evil modern times are and glorify the age of ‘when you knew your neighbors and all the local stores and how wal-mart and barnes and noble are destroying the world’. It may all be true, but its been said. You know it and I know it. And I am not sure if it explains the disconnect I feel with the world. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe its always been this way. But I feel it and others feel it. That’s all I really wanted to say.

I can’t seem to figure out how to build this site properly. Its very annoying. Anyway, I went home sick this afternoon. I seemed to have ‘won’ a cold in Vegas as well. Its not too bad though. Watched some movies on cable, drank a lot of tea, etc. One of the movies was this HBO film Iron Jawed Angels. I enjoyed it. I often forget that women have only been had the ‘right’ to vote for 84 years. It seems odd to think of a time when I wouldn’t have been able to decide who was in the government. Its a shame that all these women fought so hard and so many people ignore their right to vote. Alas (I really mean yay of course), its a democracy. Maybe I will stay home tomorrow? Watch some more good stuff? Who knows.

Actually, I didn’t really lose this weekend, as much as wasted a great deal of it. But that is what weekends are for. I wasted most of the day on Saturday, but not through my own doing (a story for another time). And spent a good portion of yesterday watching Clean Sweep on TLC. What an intriguing show, at least if you are a neat nut like I am. Its all about organizing! Whoo! I did make it downtown to shop for a pair of shoes. I am going to Las Vegas on Friday! Can’t wait. Need time away and I am hoping that this trip will help Aaron feel better. He’s been down lately and I want him to forget his troubles for a few days. I also read most of The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields even though I haven’t finished Botany of Desire. Sigh.

How can anyone deny these people’s happiness? They finally have taken the ‘adult’ step that everyone else in this country is allowed to make and gotten married. Other people have said it and I will say it again? How can some people claim that allowing gay people to marry will tarnish the image of marriage when you can go to Vegas, get married by an Elvis impersonator no less, and get it annulled the next day? How in the world is this fair? I just don’t get it. Be homophobic or whatever if you must, but keep your hypocrisy to yourself. Let everyone who wants get married and just make rude comments about them or something for fucks’ sake.